


Dickless Wonder

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-08
Updated: 2012-06-08
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:01:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3507554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s all fun and games until someone uses the internet.<br/>If you haven’t seen shots from the uncensored S3 DVD, you won’t get this.  But I’m assuming most of you have by now, somewhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dickless Wonder

“Holy shit you guys! I think Pickles might be a chick! Come look at this!” There was actually no one else in the room but Skwisgaar, but Nathan wanted to share his shocking discovery with someone.  
“We ams has seen hims nakeds lots of times, in case you hasn’t been noticing, he gots a dick.”  
“NOOOOOO _look_ at this! Look!”  
“Fines fines, I looks at Pickle nakeds if it shuts you up.” Skwisgaar set his guitar aside and moved to the couch where Nathan was sitting. “What ams dis from anyways?”

“Uh, security camera footage from that rehab place he went to. It’s just a few seconds, but whoa!” Nathan hit replay (again.)  
“Holy shits! Plays dat again?”  
Nathan did. “See? I mean, I can’t really see details but he’s definitely got no junk!”  
They watched several more replays, straining to make out the slightly grainy footage.

“How cans dis be? We sees him nakeds a lots of times.”  
“Maybe his dick’s like, fake? Because you can put a fake one on but you can’t take a real one off? And maybe they didn’t let him wear it there?”  
“Dis ams all kinds of dildos.”  
“For once you’re using that word right, and that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

“Why’s you looking at- Holy craps, why’s Pickles gots no junk?!” They hadn’t even heard Toki come up behind them.  
“Uh, yeah. We think his dick must be fake?”  
“He was a pretty ladies in his olds band you knows.” Skwisgaar nodded wisely.  
“Wowee...”  
“Here, let me play it again.”

They all watched. “But how can Pickle be a goil if he don’t gots no tits?”  
“How can he be a guy if he doesn’t have a dick? Or, you know, balls?”  
“Pfft, you both needs to has more varieties in de bedrooms.”  
“We’re not asking you!”  
“But I wants to know-“  
“No Toki! We’re not asking. We’re just not.”

Just then Pickles himself walked in, causing the three of them to freeze in a somewhat guilty manner.  
“Whatter ya guys doin’?”  
“Uh... nothing?”  
“I’s sorries you gots no dick, Pickle!”  
“Godsdamnsit, Toki.”  
“What tha _feck_?!”

Pickles came over to look. Too late, Nathan tried to close the laptop but Pickles shot a hand in the way and prevented him. Giving up (since it was too late anyway) Nathan allowed him to take it. They all watched him watch the video.  
“So, uh... it’s okay if you’re a chick? But you should have told us or something?”  
“I’m nawt a chick, ya douchebags!”  
“I sorries they not lets you wears you’s fake dick in the hospital place!”

Pickles responded by yanking down his pants. “My dick is nawt fake! Look at it!”  
“Whoa, junk in my face!” Nathan cringed back.  
“Maybe it grews back? Like teeths?” Toki peered at it dubiously from his spot behind the couch.  
“Teeths don’t grows back, Toki, and dicks don’ts neithers.” Skwisgaar was looking closely, searching for seams or any other indications. He reached out a hand, but pulled it back.  
“Touch it if ya want, I don’t give a feck.”

The all watched closely as Skwisgaar did just that, pinching it gingerly between his thumb and forefinger and giving it a little squeeze. Then he used his palm to lightly heft the balls. “You guys, I t’ink dese are real.”  
“Told ya.”  
“It can’t be real because you don’t have them in this video!”  
“Oh, everythin’ awn tha innernet is true? Ya’ve never heard of photoshawp?”

With that, Pickles pulled his pants back up and left the room.  
Toki wandered back off to wherever he’d come from, still looking a bit confused but it all.  
Nathan closed the laptop. “I’m kinds glad he’s not a chick. I mean, that could make it weird.”  
“Maybes, maybes not. But ja, it ams probably betters dis way.” Skwisgaar went back over to his guitar and resumed his practicing.

And by the end of the day, it had all been forgotten.


End file.
